The Hole in My Heart
by LateRiser
Summary: Follow-on to "His Sacrifice" 2010 by Jistone: how Kendall is coping. Definitely read "His Sacrifice" before this.


**A/N**: I recently read and became hopelessly obsessed with Jistone's "His Sacrifice" from 2010. It was a beautifully told story that pressed all the right buttons in my psyche. If you haven't read it yet, please do so before continuing.

I finally decided I had a story to tell that picks up from where "His Sacrifice" left off. The ending was sweet, but I thought Kendall, of all people, would have a lot more to say for himself. It often takes a while before people really process life's more traumatic events, so in my mind this takes place about a month after the events in that story.

Please note: Jistone is not responsible for this story, except for inspiring it.

Rated T for language.

DISCLAIMER: Last I checked, I had no ownership interest in Big Time Rush, either the band or the TV series. If I'm wrong, will someone let me know?

* * *

"Hey Logie." Kendall stood before the simple white marble headstone. The nearly leafless branches of a tree cast long, bony shadows across it in the waning autumn sun. The world was turning brown and cold and barren.

Long moments went by before the churning of his emotions stilled and he was able once more to form coherent enough thoughts to speak.

"I - I thought I'd catch you up on things." He took a deep breath.

"James is back in L.A. I think he told you his second album is in the works? He said he emailed you about it before ... " Kendall's voice caught in his throat. "Well, you must have seen the mail; it was a few months ago.

"He was nearly done with it when - when we got the news. He put everything on hold. The label was cool about it at first, but after he was here with me and Carlos for a week, after the funeral, they started bugging him. They talked about schedules and tours and a whole bunch of shit - you remember what it's like.

"Me, I'd have screamed at them. But James ... he was so _calm_. He said, 'The world wants the new album and the tour? I don't care. I just lost one of my best friends. The world can fucking _wait_.' And he hung up on them. Then he told his agent to keep them off his back." Kendall chuckled at the memory. "Can you believe James, Mr. I-Want-To-Be-Famous, said that? Times change, man.

"But hey, it gets better. James headed home a few days ago. The night before last, he called at two in the freaking morning. Said he got an idea: the three of us should get together and write a song, and sing it, and he'd put it on the new album as a bonus track.

"A song about you, Logie. A song _for_ you." Kendall paused, feeling a sob building up. He sniffled and cleared his throat, willing the tears not to fall. A few more moments passed before he continued.

"I forgot how fast Hollywood moves, you know? An hour later, he texted Carlos and me, saying Gustavo had signed on to produce the song. Yeah, buddy, Gustavo is back in our lives. Never thought it'd happen, did you? Neither did I. He was so pissed when we called it quits. But James, he said he couldn't imagine anybody else producing this. He said he dug out that famous James Diamond charm, and Gustavo just melted. Pfft - yeah, right. I'll bet he got Kelly to bring him around.

"He did show up for your fu-funeral, though." Again, the words caught in his throat. "And he actually shook our hands. And I think I saw a tear on his face.

"Carlos flew out this morning. I was supposed to go too, but I said I promised to have dinner with my mom and Katie." He lifted his gaze from the headstone and stared into the distance at nothing, or at something only he could see.

"That's not a total lie. I mean, I did ask Mom if I could come over for dinner, and Katie promised to be home for once. I just called them _after_ I asked James if I could come out tomorrow instead.

"I want to do the song. And I want to hang with James and Carlos. But ... right now, I really need a little alone time. With you. Does that make any sense?

"I'm not sure I'm ready to jump back into things. I mean, I thought I was, but now ... I don't know." He took another long, deep breath.

"You know I cried most of the night James told me you were killed? I mean, I cried my guts out. I never did that before. Not the first time I broke my arm. Not when Jo left. Never.

"I cried so much, I thought I ran out of tears. I did. Before James got here, Carlos broke down twice when we were hanging out. I didn't. Not while James was here, either.

"You know, we tried to live up to that speech you made: 'Please don't cry for me.' Carlos - he remembered it first. Makes sense, huh? Carlos is always trying to cheer us up.

"So we tried. But I saw him and James tear up a few times. We'd have fun, or try to, but we kept finding places something funny happened to you, or you talked us out of stupid, crazy stunts. We kept remembering stories, kept bringing you up. Anybody would've cried. But not me.

"Til everybody went home, and there was nothing to do but ... think. Then ... it was that _fucking night_ all over again.

"I'm sorry, Logie. I know you hate to see us sad. But I can't help it. And ... you should've known better.

" 'Don't cry for me'? Come on, that was stupid. How could you expect us not to cry for you?

"You _died_. I know you didn't mean to, but goddamn it, you _did_ and I'm trying not to hate you for it! For leaving me! For leaving all of us!

" 'Don't cry'? I'm never going to hear you, or see you, or talk to you again. Ever! Do you know how much that _hurts_?"

Without realizing it, he was shouting. "Goddamn it, Logie, you ripped my heart out! Or at least you put a big fucking Logan-sized hole in it!

"We were supposed to be friends _forever_! Not til one of us gets put in the ground before he's twenty-five!

"Goddamn it, Logan, how could you die so fucking _young_?" He threw himself on the ground, sobbing uncontrollably. Several minutes passed. The shadows lengthened. The temperature dropped, until Kendall involuntarily shivered. That seemed to shake him out of his crying jag. He sniffled a few times, wiped his eyes and nose on his sleeve, and looked at the headstone again.

"I know. It's not fair to yell at you. You can't yell back. But whose fault is that?" A tear fell from one eye. "Shit, I'm sorry. Cheap shot."

He was silent again for a few long moments.

"So ... I can _almost_ hear you. You want to know why I didn't cry. Around the guys, anyway. Or anybody else.

"I think maybe I was trying to be the big time leader again. I wanted to be strong for Carlos and James. And shit, your mom, she didn't need another useless mourner, she needed somebody to help her. And Katie, and even my mom ... God, you don't know how hard she took this. You were my brother, but you were her _son_. She loved you so much. She still does.

"I had to be there, for all of them. I had to. So, no crying for Kendall. Be strong. Be the one they can count on.

"All an act." He stood up and put his hands in his jacket pockets, a breeze starting to kick up. He sniffled noisily again.

"But you know that. You always know. Can't hide from you, Logie."

His mind clouded up again, this time not from turmoil but fatigue. He was weary, and cold, and, to his surprise, even a little hungry. He turned and walked toward his car, when he remembered there was one more thing he wanted to say. He turned back and again stopped before the headstone, staring bashfully at his shoes. In spite of how close the four of them were, they seldom praised one another, except on the ice. It felt uncomfortable, but Kendall had to get it out.

"I ne- - I never told you how proud I was. That you found what you wanted, and went for it. That you made it. You _made_ it, Logie.

"You, a Marine. I never imagined it. None of us did," he continued, warming to his theme. "When you came back after Basic, I know we teased you about the uniform, how you should be wearing a vest instead of the jacket, how shiny the shoes were.

"But inside ... inside, I was blown away.

"You were a _man_. We could all drink legally, but the rest of us, we weren't _adults_. I'm still not sure we are.

"You? You grew up. How did that happen?

"Oh yeah: you left us behind." In spite of himself, a note of bitterness crept into his voice. He stopped and swallowed to let it pass. It wasn't how he wanted to feel.

"No, that's not right. You followed your dream. And God knows, you deserved to. You gave up med school for us, and you never complained. I'm glad you found what _you_ wanted.

"But it sucks we couldn't go with you. That you had to do it on your own. Maybe that's why you grew up faster than we did. Or maybe you would have anyway, 'cause you're a genius.

"But I wish I could have been there when you needed us. I do. I'd have taken the blast for you." His voice broke and for a moment he was unable to speak. "I would have done anything to protect you. Anything." He stopped and just gazed at the headstone, tears flowing freely again.

"You deserved a long, happy life, Logan. I'll never understand why you didn't get it. And I'll never stop missing you. Never."

Kendall wept in silence for a time. After the tears stopped he continued to stand stock-still, gazing sightlessly into the distance as the sun went down. Finally, his phone started beeping, reminding him of his family dinner.

"I - I gotta go. I'll see you when I get back."

A gust of wind snatched away Kendall's parting whisper: "Love you, Logie."


End file.
